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Koji_Tsunami

Sharpy

Sharpy is a character I've made a while back with the help of my friend. I've also come up with a cast and with the help of my buddy Fiermastrr, a plot. I wrote the script myself, it's gonna a flash movie series. I'm fiinished with episode one. now that thwat dull stuff is out of the way...
Oh! just a note, If you can't figure it out, the name "Bo" is just sort of a joke. He's a one shot character, and Firemastrr and I decided to have some fun with that. He's in charge of the mercenaries who killed Dr. Evens. Also, Sharpy doesn't have a last name. If his name was "Sharpy Evens", Disney would sue me.


Scene One
Location: rainy night outside Dr. Evanís house
Thug: alright doc, just hand over the kid, and nobody gets hurt.
Dr. Evans: stay away from him!
Thug2:címon, man, weíve gotta get outta here, quick!
Thug: Iíll give you one last chance doc. Hand over the kid!
Evans: Get away from here. I donít care what you do to me.You canít have my son!
Thug2: címon!
Thug: okay doc, youíve had it!
(Sirens in background)
Thug: crap! The cops!
(shoots Evans, jumps in van, leaves scene)
kid Sharpy: Dad!
(runs over to Evans)
kid Sharpy (with urgency): Dad, are you okay?
Evans: SonÖ Theyíre after youÖ Whatever happens, Donít let them take you. If they get you, they'll do terrible things to you. Don't let them have the chance...(dies)
kid Sharpy(crying):Daaaaaaaaaadd!!



Theme song
Scene 2
Location: Warehouse
Sharpy (throws knife at thug) (Fights other thugs.)
Bo: Wh-What do you want?
Sharpy: Answers. Who hired you to kill a scientist four years ago? I imagine that you donít kill top reasearchers too often, so Iím sure you'll remember.
Bo: I donít know what you-(Sharpy puts a knife at his throat)
Sharpy:(menacingly) Letís try this again. Who hired you?
Bo: All right. All Right. He called himselfÖ Von Bosnick.
Sharpy: And...? Continue...
Bo: Thatís it... All Iíve got is his name.
Sharpy: Very well... (Starts to walk away)(Turns and throws knife right at Boís neck)
Sharpy: Sorry, but you might've lied about how much you know. That would mean telling Von Bosnick I was here. And you can't do that.
Bo:(is died)


Scene 3
Location: Hideout
Sharpy: So, any luck finding out who this Von Bosnick is?

Ren: I donít know. Itís like he just disappeared after the event.

Sharpy: Event?

Ren: fourteen years ago, Prof. Wilbur von Bosnick was working on a project in genetics. The end results of his experiments were always extremely powerful but very dangerous. One day, he and his partner, Dr. Evans, discovered some secret that Evans wanted hidden and the Von Bosnick was driven mad by. Said he wanted to rule the world or something. Then he just disappeared. Evans died four years ago. Murdered.
(silence)
Sharpy: Wait, did you say Evans?
Ren: Ye-
Sharpy: Shawn Evans?
Ren: UmÖyesÖ Dr. Shawn Evans. Why? Do you know him or something?
Sharpy: Dr. Evans was my father.
Ren: The one that weíve been trying to find out the secret of the death of for the last year?
Sharpy: Yeah.
Ren: Well, I hope you avenge Your father, Sharpy-Oh! Weíve got a breakthrough!
Sharpy: (runs over to laptop)What?
Ren: Look at this. Over the past thirteen years, there has been gamma radiation coming from here, the exact sort that Dr. Evans and Von Bosnick were using to experiment with gene-splicing. Iím guessing that Von Bosnick is trying to use even more genetic experiments for world domination.
Sharpy: Good. Anything I should know before going in there?
Ren: Yes. Those genetic experiment have their weak spots right about here.(points to screen.)
Sharpy: Is that all?
Ren: Yes. Be careful, Sharpy. (turns around, but Sharpy is gone.)

Scene 4
Location: outside of Von Bosnickís base.
Sharpy: (Cuts hole in door, walks into building.)
(Security alarm goes off)
Sharpy: Aw, Hell.
(Monsters attack Sharpy)
(Sharpy throws knife at first monster, flips over monster 2, stabs, gets three w/out looking at it, jumpercuts monster 4, airflip stabs monster 5. yes that's right, you got more than,"they fight" this time![even if I did make up most of the words])
Sharpy: Thatís it? I somehow expected more of a challenge. (Walks through door, watched by Azrael)
(door closes, locks.) Azrael: Well, Iím not sure who you are, but Iím sure the professor will.
Sharpy: (turns) What the Hell?
Azrael: You going to kill him, right? Heh. You won't be able too. I'm his bodyguard and nobody is better with blades than I am, no matter what kind of weapon they use. (unsheathes sword.)
Sharpy: (looks as though heís about to attack Azrael.)
Von Bosnick: Welcome back Azrael. Whoís this?
Sharpy: Wha-? (whirls around)
Von Bosnick: Oh, hello Sharpy, nice to see you again.
(Evil music plays)

Sharpy copyright Koji_Tsunami 2007. Use anything affliated with him, any he will cut your head off. Yes, I know it isn't a very long script. What do you think of it?
Chocolate Ninja

Hmm.

Not too bad, but I think you can draw things out a bit more. Probably you've got a sense of what things look like, but for the purposes of reading it probably helps to describe things a bit more, like what the warehouse looks like or how Sharpy fights. Details like that help with the pacing of the dialogue and such, too.

Also, some reactions seem a bit off. Razz For instance, it doesn't make much sense for the thug to shoot the doctor AFTER they hear the cops coming. How did the cops know that there were thugs there? Did a neighbor notice and call? They can't be very smart thugs if they ambush a guy in plain sight like that, outdoors. Perhaps it would make more sense for the kid to be hiding while the thugs, having broken into the house, ask his dad where the kid is, if that's their target. They could accidentally kill him during the interrogation and then break and run.

Also, who's Ren? A private detective of some sort, a scientist? At any rate, most people when they hear that someone's parents are dead don't immediately say, "Well, I hope you avenge their death", but say some sort of condolence, after which the person mentions that they're going to avenge their parent's death and the other person says "Good on you." A minor issue, but something that would help with pacing and characterization.

Is Sharpy an orphan? I'm guessing that Dr. Evans is some sort of single parent, but it would be kind of interesting to explore how exactly that happened.

Overall, very action-y, and dialogue's not bad, but some subtleties and filling-out could add a bit to this story.
Koji_Tsunami

Come to think of it, most of the information about Sharpy is contained just in the minds of me and my friend Firemastrr. Okay, so, At the time when Dr. Evans is killed Sharpy is already ten years old. There's four off-screen years between scene one and scene two, during which Sharpy learns the virtually impossible but very cool-looking art of knife-throwing. Sharpy's Mom died in childbirth, and Dr. Evans raised Sharpy alone. The reason why why Von Bosnick wants Sharpy SHOULD be revealed later(should because I'm not even sure if I'll ever finish the story.)
Ren is Sharpy's navigator, sort of like Alia from Mega Man X, or Oracle from Batman. Her presence is basically the biggest spoon in the the entire series, because no matter how hard I think, I can't think of any reason why she hangs out with this emo kid. She tells Sharpy that she hope he avenges Dr. Evan's death because she actually knew he wanted to do it anyway. (Sort of like how you might tell somebody who's running a marathon, "alright Fred, you can do it") The only problem with dialouge is that Azrael doesn't have enough lines. The only problem I can find with the Action-y bits is they are gonna be really hard to animate.
Chocolate Ninja

Whoa, Ren's a girl? See, I didn't quite catch that. XD

Maybe she hangs out with them because she pities him. Or they were friends before he became Emu. Razz
Koji_Tsunami

You mean emo. Emu is a bird.
But y'know, I like that, she might have known him before Dr. Evans died.
And sorry that it wasn't made perfectly clear that she was a girl, but this is going to be a series of flash movies, so I guess that the script didn't convey her being a girl very well.
Chocolate Ninja

Nah, I did say Emu on purpose. Razz But yeah, that'd be cool. I'm interested in seeing how this turns out. I always wanted to make a flash series myself, but never had any real ideas for one.
Koji_Tsunami

With me it's the opposite problem, All these ideas, but no programs to work with... I'm definitely working on geting a decent flash studio program though. I just have virtually no motivation to draw the art though... dang!
firemastrr

Koji, you've been trying to get a better program for months. You could have all the sprites and everything all worked out, but all you do is sit around moping. You'll never get this done. If you do though, I can't wait. The only prob is, Aritus Kane is in school already. We'll have trouble doin the voice acting.
Koji_Tsunami

Yeah, we will. My main priority is that microphone, so that in case I don't manage to get that d*** program for like 50 years, I'll still be able toget the voice acting now, befor. we all fall too out of touch.
Aritus comes home on Thxgiving, right? if he does, We could do it around then...
firemastrr

Yeah, I believe he comes home for thnxgiving. I don't think I'll be able to do it then, tho. I'll probably be out of town. We'll see, though.
Captain Gamer

This is starting to sound like a conversation more fit for Private Messaing.

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